Dare to hope

I am hoping to hear back from Jonny this week about the visa. Hearing on that means I can gather my info and send in my application. Along with that comes specific dates. Right now I still feel very far away from my goal, but I talked to a couple very good friends this week that are helping me see things differently. There are still things I can do.. I am not out of options!
I have a meeting with Pastor on Thursday to talk to him and get his opinions and ask for some help. I am also going to talk to Dougee and even email Pastor Shorey. God put people of great influence in my life for a reason and I shouldn't be ashamed to ask for help when I need it.
Part of me is feeling afraid this week will end up like all the weeks before it... with nothing changing. Not even one step closer. But part of me is feeling hopeful. God can do all things and yes, hoping does make me vulnerable... but I'm trying to be ok with that. There's no one better to be vulnerable with than the Father!

*Sigh*

Some days I wonder if it's good to track my ups and downs this way or not.. just over a week ago I was having a very good day and today I'm feeling overwhelmed again. It's been 2 weeks since I sent out my support letters and while I have received some response.. I am no where close to having enough to go. On top of that my car still has not sold. I don't even have anyone interested. It's starting to make me wonder if I missed God on the timing of all of this. Originally I picked September because it seemed like a good amount of time and I knew if I didn't have a date I'd never get things done. Then because of some of the visa things I thought maybe it was going to be more like January 2010. After a week or so of struggle I gave in and told God I didn't care.. that I just wanted His will. (I'd told Him before but I meant it this time!) The very next day I got some news that I wasn't going to have to wait that long. I took this to mean that I didn't need to wait that long and it could come through much sooner. As September was getting closer and closer and things weren't happening yet I thought "Ok, October." That was always a possibility because of visa stuff anyway. Well, it's now the middle of the month and I'm not really any closer. I sought wise council about my support letters and with that and many prayers I sent them out proclaiming I would be leaving in October. To leave in October I really need to quit by the 9th or 16th at the latest. I want to have down time with my family and time to get packed before I go. To quit the 9th means I have to turn in my 2 weeks notice a week from today. Unless something Earth-shattering happens this next week that's just not going to happen.
Wednesday night service was amazing. Pastor focused a lot on having the Peace of the Lord and that God would work things out in His timing. I left feeling refreshed and excited. But 2 days later I've only got a hold of that peace by a fingernail. I hate that my human nature can lose it so quickly.
All of this just leaves me confused. I know this is God's plan for my life. Although I have moments where I don't trust myself I know in my bones He's been telling me this since I first stepped foot in Belfast October 2004. I want to do this right.. I want to do it in His timing and I truly do not want to push it or make it about me. At the same time I have to do my part to make it happen. That's a very fine line..
I know God will come through and I know it'll be in His timing. I just feel like we're close enough now that I need to know a least a little of the plan!

Today started out pretty hard.. work is driving me CRAZY! Some days it's so hard to just walk thru the door.. and it's only gotten harder since I know it's coming to an end. I try to use that thought to make it easier, but it's not working!!!
Anyway.. I was feeling pretty crappy cause my car still hasn't sold and I don't know when I'll get to quit. But then around 3 I got a donation from my 1st supporter!! Then I got home and had a letter from another one!
So even tho I still have to go to my crappy job tomorrow and my car still hasn't sold, I know God is working this all out. He is coming through for me and it will all happen exactly when I need it to.
He always manages to know when I need a boost from Him. Or as Jesse would say "God gave me a cookie!"