Opening Presents

Months ago I was having a down day and Jesse sent me a text that said "Do you remember when Doug used to talk about putting presents out for Seth and watching him try and find them? God has already laid everything out. Now comes the time when He finally gets to help you go around and discover it all."
The day he sent that it made me cry but I saved it in my phone and read it for encouragement from time to time. Since that day I've had many ups and downs. Times when I wondered how (and somedays if) it would ever work out and of course days when I knew it would. As I write this I have 3 days left at work, I have my visa, my plane ticket and my car is sold! God is truly amazing!!! He has come through for me in ways I never would have expected! Not only has He done the things I knew needed done; He's held my hand through an incredible spiritual journey. I know Him in new and exciting ways and I know I'll take these with me for the rest of my life!
I am still behind in my fund raising, however I am completely positive that God's got that worked out too! Jan 10th I'll have 10minutes on Sunday morning to talk about my heart and passions. I will have an opportunity to ask for support and I believe wholeheartedly that it will come in that day.

I am so excited to keep opening presents and see what God has in store for me!!

Week 6 of 4

Grrrrr......



That's about it.

Choices

Sometimes I feel like I don't have any. Today I am realizing that that is simply an excuse to not make the right ones. I could sit here and dwell on the fact that Jonny should've heard back on the visa last week and wonder what that means and when he'll hear... but I can also think about how this time last week I had raised less than $100 in monthly support and I now have 1/4 of what I need!! Yes.. I still have 3/4 to go.. but it is quite encouraging to be closer! It means things ARE happening, I AM getting closer!
So God, I am sorry I so often choose to focus on the negative. I will try to get better.

For today and for the days to come I choose to focus on what God's doing rather than on what I think He isn't.

Dare to hope

I am hoping to hear back from Jonny this week about the visa. Hearing on that means I can gather my info and send in my application. Along with that comes specific dates. Right now I still feel very far away from my goal, but I talked to a couple very good friends this week that are helping me see things differently. There are still things I can do.. I am not out of options!
I have a meeting with Pastor on Thursday to talk to him and get his opinions and ask for some help. I am also going to talk to Dougee and even email Pastor Shorey. God put people of great influence in my life for a reason and I shouldn't be ashamed to ask for help when I need it.
Part of me is feeling afraid this week will end up like all the weeks before it... with nothing changing. Not even one step closer. But part of me is feeling hopeful. God can do all things and yes, hoping does make me vulnerable... but I'm trying to be ok with that. There's no one better to be vulnerable with than the Father!

*Sigh*

Some days I wonder if it's good to track my ups and downs this way or not.. just over a week ago I was having a very good day and today I'm feeling overwhelmed again. It's been 2 weeks since I sent out my support letters and while I have received some response.. I am no where close to having enough to go. On top of that my car still has not sold. I don't even have anyone interested. It's starting to make me wonder if I missed God on the timing of all of this. Originally I picked September because it seemed like a good amount of time and I knew if I didn't have a date I'd never get things done. Then because of some of the visa things I thought maybe it was going to be more like January 2010. After a week or so of struggle I gave in and told God I didn't care.. that I just wanted His will. (I'd told Him before but I meant it this time!) The very next day I got some news that I wasn't going to have to wait that long. I took this to mean that I didn't need to wait that long and it could come through much sooner. As September was getting closer and closer and things weren't happening yet I thought "Ok, October." That was always a possibility because of visa stuff anyway. Well, it's now the middle of the month and I'm not really any closer. I sought wise council about my support letters and with that and many prayers I sent them out proclaiming I would be leaving in October. To leave in October I really need to quit by the 9th or 16th at the latest. I want to have down time with my family and time to get packed before I go. To quit the 9th means I have to turn in my 2 weeks notice a week from today. Unless something Earth-shattering happens this next week that's just not going to happen.
Wednesday night service was amazing. Pastor focused a lot on having the Peace of the Lord and that God would work things out in His timing. I left feeling refreshed and excited. But 2 days later I've only got a hold of that peace by a fingernail. I hate that my human nature can lose it so quickly.
All of this just leaves me confused. I know this is God's plan for my life. Although I have moments where I don't trust myself I know in my bones He's been telling me this since I first stepped foot in Belfast October 2004. I want to do this right.. I want to do it in His timing and I truly do not want to push it or make it about me. At the same time I have to do my part to make it happen. That's a very fine line..
I know God will come through and I know it'll be in His timing. I just feel like we're close enough now that I need to know a least a little of the plan!

Today started out pretty hard.. work is driving me CRAZY! Some days it's so hard to just walk thru the door.. and it's only gotten harder since I know it's coming to an end. I try to use that thought to make it easier, but it's not working!!!
Anyway.. I was feeling pretty crappy cause my car still hasn't sold and I don't know when I'll get to quit. But then around 3 I got a donation from my 1st supporter!! Then I got home and had a letter from another one!
So even tho I still have to go to my crappy job tomorrow and my car still hasn't sold, I know God is working this all out. He is coming through for me and it will all happen exactly when I need it to.
He always manages to know when I need a boost from Him. Or as Jesse would say "God gave me a cookie!"

Divine appointments

Still taking this one step at a time.. This week will determine whether I leave in September or October. Part of me is pulling for September and part of me's pulling for October. Ultimately I am leaving it in God's hands and waiting to see what He does.
Thus far it's been really cool to see how He's working things out and providing. Yesterday a series of "coincidences" had me in my driveway when I had every intention of being somewhere else. A family drove by and looked at my car. We went for a ride and the mom and I really clicked. They're in a tough place right now and really needing a good car. We talked all about God and His will and His faithfulness. When we parted ways we hugged, exchanged scriptures and agreed we'd both pray for God's will. This is the way I've wanted to sell my car!
Obviously it's not sold yet, we have to see if loans will come through, but I am still amazed by that encounter. It left me smiling and thinking on the way God works.. He really can do all things! I feel like a little kid.. excited and anxious to see what my Daddy's going to do next!

A portion of wisdom

I've noticed as I've been walking down this path to Belfast that some days it's the easiest thing in the world to know God is God and He's in control. Some days it's hard to breathe. I would say what I've been learning more than anything else is how to trust God completely. This is a priceless lesson that I am so thankful to be learning!
Exactly when I will be leaving is up in the air.. and I'm actually ok with that. Me, the control freak that needs to have a plan it actually ok with it. God is good! I've been reading the story of Abraham lately and taking a lot from that. Asking God for the spirit of Abraham.
However, I read something in a secular book last night that really struck me. It's dialog between two characters and it says

"You can never know everything, and part of what you know is always wrong. Perhaps even the most important part. A portion of wisdom lies in knowing that. A portion of courage lies in going on anyway."

I can't manage to put into words exactly what this means to me.. it hit me in a very profound way and it's something I've been mulling over.
God, grant me a portion of wisdom and a portion of courage to do what you've called me to do!

P.S. Someone wants to look at my car tomorrow.. I'm praying this'll be the person to buy it! That'll be one more BIG step!

Checking things off the list... or trying to!

Well my car's officially for sale. I've known all along that I would have to sell it and felt confident that God would come thru for me. Somehow now that it's got a "For Sale" sign in it I feel like I can't breathe! I know God will honor my obedience and it will sell... but WOW!
Please pray with me as I start taking these big steps towards the next phase of my life. As nerve wracking as this is I have a feeling it'll be nothing compared to trying to get my visa.
Some days I'm nothing but excited and some days I'm terrified! Ahh!!